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Score Against Your Ex or Win Overall? | The Naked Divorce
chess

Trying to Score Against Your Ex vs Focusing on Winning the Overall Game

Chess is a game of strategy and tactics.

It’s a game in which you take out your opponents pieces until you capture them all and then attack their king. This is in no way what break ups or divorce should ever be about; yet sadly enough it is the reality of so many couples today.

Instead of focusing on taking your opponent’s pieces, you should be focusing on winning the overall game —  which any player would say is much more rewarding in the long run.

Many chess players concede some of their pieces at the start of a chess game, and it may look like they will lose. As their opponent gets distracted and pride kicks in, they end up making silly mistakes and lose focus on what is important. As a result, they lose the game, sometimes very quickly as well.

Play the game and not the person

This analogy is not to compare divorce to a game because it in no way is a game, and it certainly isn’t any sort of “fun” which is what games were first intended for. Yet a lot of people these days treat breakups and divorce like a game; a cruel game.

Often it becomes a constant effort to prove the other person wrong, show them how happy you are without them, or trying to make them miserable just to make yourself feel better.

In divorce, people spend too much time focused on scoring points against their ex. This is completely the wrong approach in facing a breakup of any sort. It is upsetting how some relationships end out. In many cases they are completely unfair, but it is never then made fair by a person getting even; it never will.

The correct way it should be handled is to play the ball and not the person. Play the cards you have been dealt, but do not sabotage people around you in the process because you will never find rest in so doing.

Focus on the overall picture, achieving the objectives that you have set for yourself to accomplish the things that will help you and grow you through this time.

Do not focus on winning points or ruining someone else’s chances of finding happiness. Focus on yourself and what you need to do to find happiness again. Look for ways to step up to the challenges you’re faced with and deal with them with integrity and maturity.

That is how you will truly win.

Till next time!

Adele
Adele

1 comment

  1. I was just feeling so frustrated about my divorce – I feel like the pawn who has played a good, clean game and has followed the King to that stalemate corner, still controlled by the King, the King has all the property and money, the King has the law on his side (South Africa), and everytime I say “check” (settlement proposal), the King hops to that other square, says “No” (nothing else, no counter proposal, just No) and it costs me another R5000 to R10000 that I do not have.
    It has been almost 5 years since he asked for a divorce after 30 years of marriage, the first two were amicable, but just a separation and nothing was happening, so I contacted a mediator – then he chose a lawyer and now we are at loggerheads – but he will not speak to me in any way other than through the lawyer and as he had all our savings/policies/pension in his name when he left us, I cannot afford to ‘play the game’ – it is our children who will lose out. My poor daughter was 14 when this started, she is now 19, and the month she turned 18 she was removed from the settlement proposal – in SA she now has to get her own lawyer and go to maintenance court – something she will not do – and who is left trying to hold the family together and getting further and further into debt – the spouse who did not ask for the doivorce, the spouse who did everything for everybody during the marriage, the spouse who worked and did all the running around, the spouse who allowed her partner to be the head of the family in financial and other matters because that is how marriages were 30 years ago, the spouse who stands by the oath she took before God, for better for worse, the spouse who is now a broken woman, financially and mentally, and is clinging to the last remnants of her spiritual belief – remaining faithful as she is still a married woman – but longing to be free. I could just say keep all the money then I would get the settlement proposal accepted – but I worked my whole life to provide a future for my children – that was what I worked for. If I thought their father would leave it to them I might even go that route but he has moved on already and has a ‘new family’ with married children, he can visit his children whenever he wants to, he just does not – they do not even know where he lives. How does one play this game? I am not liking it one bit, this is no fun at all, I was so relieved to be released from my vow when he asked for the divorce, little did I know that I would not be released from this marriage but would instead inherit all the financial responsibilities as well as the caring responsibilities. Well, at least typing this was a small release. I have just found your site and will now read all the information and pray for a miracle.

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