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How long to get over divorce - Adele Theron - NakedDivorce

How long does it take to get over your divorce?

Ever wondered just how long it’s going to take to heal from your divorce? I know I did when I was going through my divorce. 

I was also given this challenging and critical question live on-stage by my interviewer recently, and I wanted to share my answer here, and also go into a little more detail and a little more science than I was able to at this live event. So here goes…

First of all – I need to define what ‘Getting Over Divorce’ actually means?

Getting over divorce is like having an orgasm…

In this regard Getting Over Divorce is a bit like having an orgasm… It’s hard to define, but you know it when it happens!

My clients often describe this as feeling ‘themselves again’, ‘complete’, ‘in-control’, ‘the best version of themself’, ‘the real me’, ‘empty and free’.

There are many different expressions but there is also a similarity between them.

What I see is a real and healthy sensation of clarity and void of emotion which I shall call ‘space’ or ’emptiness’. A mental space that was previously full of sometimes rage, confusion, anger, loss, sadness and more has been vacated that provides the space for opportunity and hope.

They realise that the future IS back in their hands, that they ARE in control, and that EVERYTHING is possible, and achievable. It’s a very special moment.

3 friggin years! That’s not acceptable.

A lot has to happen to allow this kind of transformation to happen, and when it happens it is like a switch has been flicked. It is not a gradual and slow process. There is also 7 years of intensive work which goes into creating the environment for these kinds of breakthroughs and transformations. It’s no accident.

If I may return to the unlikely orgasm analogy, there may be some gradual build up before, but when the breakthrough happens it happens very powerfully and very profoundly. You will absolutely know when a breakthrough has hit you.

That said, this does not mean that you will never ever think about your ex-partner ever again. It does not necessarily mean that you think your ex-partner is your best friend BUT it does mean that you are past it. You have accepted that your divorce happened, and that it will always be a part of your history, but very critically it is NOT a part of your future.

 

Naked Divorce - 21 day program
If you pay by-the-hour, you’ll get a lot of hours, but will you get the results you deserve?

Traditional Therapy

When I was going through my divorce I spoke to several traditional therapists. The three I spoke to all used a similar ‘calculation’ to give me an answer to this question – here’s their maths…

1 year of marriage = 6 months of therapy (min 1 session per week).

Additional connected trauma will extend the duration further.

So at 5 years of marriage, plus the additional trauma that I had as a child (I was born without fully developed hip sockets), and the infidelity (18 affairs), it would take at least 3 years of on-going therapy.

3 friggin years! That’s simply not acceptable. Given my background in corporate change management and my commitment to producing results quickly, this antiquated thinking just didn’t jel with me.

3 critical elements

I now know that there are three critical elements that dictate the duration of time it takes to heal from divorce. They are;

  1. How MOTIVATED you are to do the necessary work to transform
  2. How EVOLVED emotionally and personally you are, this may include how exposed to personal development you have been in the past
  3. How INTENSIVE your divorce-coaching / therapy is
Motivated Evolved Intensity

For the purposes of this article I will focus entirely on number three – intensity

 

How long does it take to get over divorce - Intensity Gets Results
It’s generally accepted that intensity improves performance in fitness, sport, languages, and other disciplines. So doesn’t make sense that it applies to emotional trauma recovery too?

Another approach

Let’s take a different look at this same question using a different topic. Let’s look at fitness…

How long does it take to get ‘fit’? It’s hard to define, right? You could argue it takes years, or indeed a lifetime of regular work to get ‘fit’.

The work is in reality never ending.

This is the thinking of the traditional therapists. It’s ongoing, often a lifelong pursuit. There is no finish line, there is no agreed result, there is no end date. The work continues indefinitely – or until you run out of funds.

Now let’s ask a slightly different question – let’s ask how long does it train to run a marathon?

Because we have given the question more definition, we can better answer it. A few questions also may arise:

  1. Are their variables that effect your training?
  2. Does everyone improve their fitness at exactly same rate?
  3. Will they all achieve the same race time?
  4. Do they all start from the same position?

The answer to all these questions is of course No.

However, we can still say with some justification and a significant amount of proof that if one trains 3 times per week, one can get fit enough to complete a marathon with 6 months of training.

3 times the intensity can equal 5-10 times the results!

Aside from the initial fitness level the biggest influencing variable that defines how long it takes to achieve the result is one thing. “Intensity”

Intensity

It stands to reason that the person that trains once per week will not advance at the same rate as someone that trains three times per week.

It is also worth noting that at just once per week the fitness levels progress at a very slow level indeed. I would argue that anyone only training once per week will never ever ever ever be fit enough to run a marathon. Think about that…

Performance increases exponentially with intensity

At three times per week, the fitness level does not increase at three times the rate – it increases exponentially. SO you might even progress at 5-10 times the rate.

So very realistically 3 times the intensity can easily equal 5-10 times the results.

 

How long does it take to get over divorce - sugar cubes
Scientist tell us that the entire human race can fit into a couple of sugar-cubes. So why not fit 3 years of traditional therapy into just a few weeks

The Science

Scientists tell us that most of the universe is filled with nothing.

Tom Stoppard explained the emptiness of atom like this, ‘if the nucleus is like the altar of St Paul’s Cathedral, an electron is like a moth in the cathedral’. Even in something as small as an atom, it is mostly full of nothing.

If all the ‘emptiness’ was removed, the entire human race could fit into a volume less than the size of three sugar cubes (ref: http://www.physics.org/featuredetail.asp?id=41). Isn’t that amazing??

If we remove all the emptiness out of the healing process is it not possible to condense that down into just a few weeks?

So if we could remove all the emptiness out of a the transformational healing process is it not possible to condense that down from 3 years into just a few weeks? In a word Yes!

 

Naked Divorce - 21 day program
Many people have healed from divorce in just a few weeks through the Naked Divorce 21 Day online program. Why not you?

Heal in just 21 days

The Naked Divorce’s most popular course is completed in just 21 days. We achieve this because it’s intensive. Work and exercises are completed each and every day. It’s a demanding course, it takes energy, commitment, focus and support to complete it.

To be absolutely clear, I am not only saying that we can achieve 3 years of therapy in just 21 days.

What I am saying is – you achieve much greater, much bigger results, with much more mental fitness in 21 days than can ever be achieved by 3 years of non-intensive traditional therapy. We have many participants who were stuck in therapy for over 6 years who finally healed within the Naked Divorce. A lot of them are therapists themselves, who wanted to learn a better way.

The reason I created this programme is because no one wants to spend 6 years of their life suffering. Time is the one commodity you can NEVER get back. So rather than wait for time to simply pass whilst assuming it will heal the wound – just get on with the process intensively and MOVE ON. There is a valuable life to be getting back to.

Get Over Divorce – in just 21 days
(online program)

NakedDivorce - 21 Day Program - Product Collection
You can get over your divorce in just 21 days with this revolutionary online divorce coaching program – available at a price that’s accessible to all

Learn More - Get Over Divorce 21 days

 

Retreats. When 21 days it just too long

A year ago I launched the Naked Divorce Haven Retreat. A seven day version of Naked Divorce for our elite/ executive class participants who really don’t have the luxury of time to be suffering. Where, and yes you have guessed it, the course is even more intensive.

This is for the high achievers, for those that are very committed to their better future.

We have a lot of CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, country managers, business owners, judges, lawyers, doctors, etc. that join us on the Divorce Haven Retreat (I’ll reveal the most popular profession that attend a little later).

We achieve this by defining the space, the location and the environment better. All consultations are completed face-to-face, in-person, and in private. As a result the intensity is much higher.

The intensity is much higher… The results are even more powerful

The results are even more powerful, even more profound, and even more swift. For total disclosure I should point out that whilst the retreat is only 7 days, we do start build-up work prior to the retreat, and there is ongoing support afterwards included so it does take a little more than just 7 days to achieve the full result.

This reality of course is very confronting to traditional therapists. I’ll be open and tell you that many do not believe in this process. Not one of these doubters have actually done the course!

You also might like to know that the most popular career of all our customers are, did you guess?

Yes therapists, and physiologists. Now doesn’t that say a lot? We have had psychiatrists send their patients to us (with doctor’s notes), medical professionals who advise patients to do our programme and psychologists who do the programme quietly without ever saying anything about it.

Here are a few words from what they said about the course…

Get Over Divorce in just 7 days
(Divorce Retreat)

The Haven Divorce Retreat
The Haven is No.1 Divorce Retreat in the World

Learn More - The Divorce Retreat

 

Testimonials from therapists and physiologists that have completed the Naked Divorce programme:

“Really, really cool experience. Utterly life-changing”
Cecile Fontan, Psychologist

“Naked Divorce was the answer to my prayers”
Elizabeth Q, Emotional Therapist

“You can’t go very far without dealing with your emotions rather than suppressing them”
Dr Sindiyo, Clinical Psychologist

“Incredible structure… I really did experience a complete state change by the end of the course”
Mandy, Life Coach and Financial Therapist

“I am simply blown away by the powerful transformation”
Stephanie Burton, Love Coach

“Incredible experience. I learnt more about relationships from Naked Divorce than in 22 years practicing as a psychologist”
Dr Ayse Sahin, Clinical Psychologist

“The more time you take to heal, the more self indulgent you get. Better to do something like Naked Divorce to focus on healing”
Dr Nea Clark, Clinical Psychologist London

So, the bottom line is if the award-winning Naked Divorce is their chosen programme for healing and they refuse to take the time to heal, why aren’t they telling you that healing faster is possible?

The average person going through divorce therapy spends USD 6,799!

Possibly because the average person going through divorce therapy spends USD 6,799 to heal from divorce… Food for thought!

How long does it take to heal from divorce - money
The average person spends $6,799 on traditional therapy (with no guarantees of results). Isn’t it time for a better solution?

Ultimately it’s your actions that count!

Get busy living and take positive pro-active action to get over your divorce.

You can learn more about me as a divorce coach here, the Naked Divorce 21 Day program here, or the The Haven Divorce Retreat here.

 

With lots of love and lightness

Adele

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Starting a Second Marriage? Don’t Assume You’ve Learned from Your Mistakes

No doubt you already know these depressing statistics: nearly half of all marriages in the US and the UK end in divorce.

What you might not realise is that this number doesn’t decrease as we get older and wiser and (theoretically) better at figuring out what we want in a life partner. In fact, it goes up and up every time people try again.

In America, divorce rates for second and third marriages stand at 67% and 73% respectively.

Let’s just think about that for a moment.

It’s scary enough to imagine that, statistically speaking, your first attempt at lifelong commitment is equally as likely to fail as it is to succeed. But for your third attempt to be three times more likely to screw up than to work out…? That people actually get dramatically worse at keeping a marriage together the more chances they have to get it right?

How can that possibly be?

It’s a common and entirely natural compulsion to leave a relationship swearing to yourself that you will never, ever, fall for someone like that again. That, next time, you’ll go for someone utterly different.

And then, in your rush to prove to yourself that you won’t fall into the trap, you find yourself charging headlong into a relationship with someone that, on paper, is the polar opposite of your ex.

Now, I’ve talked before about how the main problem with this way of thinking is that, far too often, this becomes a purely superficial exercise.

That’s because the thought process tends to go something like this:

“My previous partner was a total workaholic who never had time for me and it made me miserable – so now I’m going to go for this super-carefree-seeming person who is mostly interested in having fun, and I’ll be so much happier!”

But this doesn’t get to the root of the problem. It doesn’t address the communication issues or the self-defeating psychological habits and kneejerk reactions to problems and conflict that, in all likelihood, dominated the decline of your relationships.

It doesn’t help you to recognise the destructive cycles of behaviour that you and your ex were exhibiting. It doesn’t help you to heal and change.

Instead, it externalises the issue in a way that almost dooms you to fall into the same traps, time and again.

Let me explain.

Take the example I gave above.

No one really divorces someone because they work long hours and are deeply involved in or passionate about their job.

You might divorce them because you feel feel hurt, neglected or even jealous that your emotional needs seem always to be secondary to something else in your partner’s life.

Or perhaps because you hate feeling shut down or belittled when you try to make demands on your partner’s time.

Or maybe because your partner is actually pretty miserable and resentful about having to work so hard to pay the bills – and that’s translating into aggressive or unpleasant behaviour at home.

Or even the real reason your partner is pouring so much energy into their work is because there’s been a breakdown in communication between you, or there’s a fundamental lack of connection in your relationship, that neither of you have been willing to address.

In which of these cases would it help to avoid a career-focused partner and opt for a carefree hedonist instead?

Zero, is the answer to that.

Zilch.

Just because the hot party animal bartender you’ve hooked up with on the rebound bears no obvious resemblance to your investment banker ex doesn’t mean that your problems and hang-ups will magically disappear. That they’ll treat you or relate to you any differently. Or that either of you will be better equipped to handle conflicts when they inevitably arise.

You aren’t going to feel less hurt and neglected because they’ve ditched you to go on a 5am bender than you did when your ex called to say they had to stay in the office until 10pm.

You aren’t going to be any less upset when they tell you you’re being clingy, dismiss your feelings out of hand or start taking out stress and frustration on you, whatever the cause.

And you aren’t going to be any better at expressing your emotions in ways that are healthy and productive.

Or preventing either one of you becoming domineering or bullying in the way you communicate.

In short, unless you do the hard work of interrogating your own feelings and behaviours, figuring out where and how to draw boundaries and facing up to the ways that you, too, might have contributed to your breakup, you will not begin to heal.

And until you heal, you are dooming yourself to repeat (and to accept) the self-destructive behaviour or coping mechanisms that killed your first marriage, again and again.

And each time you do, you’ll wind up feeling even more helpless. Even more confused. Even more fearful, on some level, that you are unlovable.

And even more likely to start pre-emptively sabotaging your next marriage before it has even had a chance to succeed.

This is a seriously important issue.

These days, nearly a quarter of people in the US who are currently married have been married before. That’s a quarter of married people potentially carrying around the baggage of a previous marriage. A quarter of married people who, based on divorce statistics, aren’t learning from their mistakes.

A quarter of married people who, if they don’t get their act together and start taking control of the situations, are 67% likely to end up going through the pain of another divorce.

Divorce is a truly traumatic event. It is psychologically devastating. It harms your physical health and wellbeing. It’s financially catastrophic. And while, when divorce is necessary, you have to find the strength to survive it, you never, ever want to put yourself through that pain for reasons that you can absolutely avoid.

No matter how left of field you think you’re being in your dating choices, there is only one person in your new relationship that you can ever be sure will behave differently this time around – and that’s you.

So focus on how you will do things differently.

Instead of shifting all responsibility for making the relationship work onto your next spouse, focus on how you yourself will grow, change and adapt your behaviour.

Be honest with yourself.

Work on pinpointing the specific ways you react to problems that might escalate and exacerbate them, or on the other hand, that allow them to fester unchecked. Work on recalibrating the instinctive behaviours that are hurting you and the people you love.

Focus on figuring out what you really need from someone and how you will communicate that to them.

Think about how you’ll really figure out if the next person you fall for really meets the criteria you need – and how, if they don’t, you’ll spot the danger signs and change course long before you find yourself walking down the aisle.

And then, listen to yourself. Learn from the past. Break the cycle. Give yourself a chance, this time, to really be happy.

Adele

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A Tale of Two Singletons: Part One – You Don’t Know What’s Good for You

We all have that amazing friend who’s perpetually single, and we just can’t work out why. 

You know the type: she’s smart, brilliant, beautiful and tons of fun. She dips her toes in the dating pool – perhaps she’s even the type who always seems to have the next date lined up. And yet, nothing seems to stick.

This wouldn’t be a problem if this was 100% her choice and she was actually very happy with the situation. But the trouble is, you’re painfully aware that she would really like to be in a serious relationship. Worse, the longer this goes on, the more she worries that there’s something fundamentally wrong with her. Something lacking. Or unlovable.

Sound familiar?

Perhaps you have a best friend like this. Or a sister. Or perhaps that perennial singleton is you.

So why on earth is this happening?

What’s the great mystery? I’m going to get to that. But first, I’d like to tell you a story.

Anna is a very good friend of mine. On paper, she’s top girlfriend material: she’s gorgeous, she’s funny, she’s warm and generous, she has a degree from a top university and a fantastic job that she excels at and which pays her very well indeed.

Everyone loves spending time with Anna. Ask her what she’s up to next week and you’ll get a packed itinerary of post-work drinks, theatre and cinema trips, weekend minibreaks, and, of course, dates. Anna’s a Tinder fiend. And she has no shortage of admirers.

But here’s the thing: Anna hasn’t been in a serious relationship since university. And even then, it wasn’t a relationship that she, or anyone she knew, could really picture ending in forever-after. Despite everything she has to offer, despite all the attention she gets, despite the fact that I know for a fact she wants to do the whole marriage-and-kids thing in the foreseeable future, she never seems to meet anyone right for her.

… Or so she says.

Reconsider your values

Because here’s the other thing. I’ve been out with Anna when guys start hitting on her. I’ve watched her scroll through potential matches on dating apps and sites. And often, it’s like watching a car crash in slow motion.

The things that Anna truly values – the things that she’d logically need to look for to have the kind of relationship she wants – are precisely the things she’s most dismissive about when she comes across them in real life.

And (Shock! Horror!) the traits that caused her the most pain in the men she’s dated before are precisely the things she finds most attractive.

Anna used to joke about this. She knew that the men she was attracted to were totally unsuitable. That they were arrogant. That they didn’t challenge her intellectually. That they exuded unreliability and would let her down.

So when she decided it was time to start looking for something more serious, she made a concerted effort to pick differently.

Identify root causes

She recognised that feckless party boys with minimal ambition are probably not a great prospect for the future. But instead of identifying the core personality traits that make these men so wrong for her, she superficially changed track. Now, for example, she’ll actively seek out someone with a decent job and academic record – who, on paper, looks like the polar opposite of her usual type.

It didn’t work.

Why? Because these men are not any different.

Inevitably, these guys are simply the same arrogant, insensitive personalities, transplanted into a more respectable context. They might have made it out of their parents’ basement, but they’re essentially showy, self-involved types with over-inflated egos – they just have a bit more cash in the bank.

And, of course, they treat her just the same. And these days, this scares her.

Because when Anna used to date guys she never expected to want to stay with forever, it was easier to shrug off the situation when things when wrong. Sure, she got hurt a few times, but deep down she was never really surprised.

But now that Anna is actively looking for something long-term, she’s horrified that this is still happening. She doesn’t know how to find someone who doesn’t behave like this.

Her responses to these traits have become so ingrained that she’s instinctively attracted to the kind of men who end up hurting her – even when she thinks she’s doing the opposite.

The attraction pyramid

What Anna needs to do now is stage an intervention with her own instincts.

Many of us assume that sexual attraction is some great mystery that you have no control over. You can’t help who you fall in love with, etc. etc. That’s just not true.

Researchers at Jaunty explain attraction as a pyramid, in which different elements are weighted differently. At the base you have health and status. The next layer is emotional. At the tip is logic.

Here’s how it works.

When you meet someone in person (or on Tinder), the first things you are aware of are the health and status factors. Health is everything from decent personal hygiene through to good skin or a buff body – the obvious things that we usually associate with whether we find someone hot or hot.

Status is far more complex and affected by personal and cultural values. There are external indicators, of course, like wealth, power, a great job, etc., but it also covers things like confidence, the ability to make others laugh or to command an audience, skill sets and belief systems.

And, of course, it relates to the context you’re in right now. That means that status-based attraction could include from fancying your super-smart university lecturer to being impressed by someone’s ability to fix a shelf, nail a pub quiz question or even competitively down a pint.

Both of these things are kind of frivolous or fickle. Someone who commands status in one context might easily pass under the radar in another. And obviously, someone who has a great body now might not look so hot in 15 years’ time. As indicators of a successful, long-term relationship, health and status are shaky at best. Yet research shows again and again that they are fundamental to attraction.

Emotional connection and logic

Okay, let’s move on to the next layer, emotional connection.

There are four types of emotional connection: feeling that you trust someone, having the emotional intelligence to put someone at ease and make them feel comfortable, recognising a person’s uniqueness and spark, and a sense of uncertainty or mystery that intrigues you about this person.

Finally, at the top of the pyramid, you have logic. It is there that most of the really important questions lie. Is this person really “right” for you? Do they have the personal traits you need to feel happy and supported? Are they nuts in ways that you can cope with?

Whatever flaws this person has now are highly unlikely to change. Is this something you can live with forever? Do you want the same things? Do you share or respect each others’ beliefs and values?

Reverse the search

This is all very interesting, you might be thinking, but how does it affect who we fall for?

Most of the time, when we meet someone in a social setting (or swipe right on a dating app), we allow ourselves to start at the base of the pyramid and work up.

If we’re attracted to someone based on health and status, we might start talking to them and search around for an emotional connection. If we have an emotional connection we go on a few dates to try and establish, logically, whether we have enough in common for this relationship to work. 

The trouble is, by the time you get to the logic stage, you’re already kind of invested in this person. You fancy them for the most flimsy reasons of all – health and status – and then you’re looking for ways to make the rest fall into place.

What you need to do is to flip this on its head. 

  1. Narrow your pool based on whether there is a logical basis for a relationship
  2. Find out if you have an emotional connection
  3. Then, when everything else seems to fall into place, decide whether or not you’re also attracted to this person on the more superficial grounds we usually begin with.

Okay, it’s not always the easiest task to figure out in a first conversation or limited dating profile whether someone is perfect for you. But if you’re looking out for the right signals, you can get a pretty good picture, pretty fast.

For example, do you have similar interests? Are your jobs or life goals compatible? Do you have a broadly similar outlook on life? Find ways to sound out some of the bigger questions faster and you’ll save yourself serious heartache later.

And more generally, is this person conscientious? Do they keep to the plans and obligations they make? Can they exercise self-control? Because if they don’t do these things, they will probably cheat on you, use you, or do things to hurt you, no matter how much they love you.

External status markers

Let’s jump back to Anna for a moment. Anna used to be attracted to men who were good-looking, super-confident, a bit wild and always the life and soul of the party. In other words, it was all about health and status.

When she decided to take her dating choices more seriously, she relied on external indicators like job titles, a university background, signs they were making money – things that sound like they belong at the top of the pyramid, but are actually just external status markers.

Retrain your instincts

We want to make sure we don’t repeat our mistakes, so we go for someone who superficially seems very different.

Last boyfriend was a bit of a waster who always needed to borrow money? This time I’m going out with a lawyer who can presumably afford to pay his way. Previous girlfriend an incredibly self-absorbed model? Next time I’ll pick someone less obviously glossy and presume that means they’re more down-to-earth.

What we’re doing here is using status markers as stand-ins for real issues.

You can’t just ask what job someone does and then try to figure out if this makes them more manipulative, more generous, more sensible, more whatever.

You have to delve a little deeper. You have to ask plenty of questions. You have to pay attention to how this person actually thinks and treats you (and other people) as a predictor of future behaviour.

In other words, you have to retrain your instincts to pick up on the things that can genuinely hurt you or make you happy. The things that will get you out of your rut and into a relationship you want.

Adele

 

This is the first in a two-part series on getting out of the singledom trap. Click here for Part 2!

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Still Single and Putting Up with It? You Might Be Hiding a Self-Destructive Secret

If it’s been many months or years since your divorce, have you started dating again?

If not, why? Because you genuinely want to be single? Or because you still haven’t healed and recovered from the trauma of the breakup? Because you’re not yet over your ex?

When people ask you questions like these, do you get defensive and angry? Do you insist you’re fine? Or, at the other end of the scale, do you sigh and tell them you couldn’t dream of it – you’re not ready – it still hurts too much to move on?

If you’re single for any other reason than because this feels right for you right now (for example, you firmly want and need your own space, company and freedom to do your own thing at the moment) the chances are that you are actively choosing to drag out your suffering. And if that’s the case, you really need to ask yourself why.

Why are you resigning yourself to the idea that you can’t or won’t heal?

Living in pain and misery saps the lifeblood, the joy, the vitality out of you. It takes all the sheen off your existence. Holding on to your suffering represents an active choice to life a less awesome and fulfilling life. So what are you getting out of it that could possibly make up for something so horrible?

You might be shocked by this question.

Perhaps you’ve never really thought of yourself as clinging to your pain. Probably, you’ve never thought about, or admitted to yourself that you actually get something out of it. After all, you’re the victim of the situation, right? You’re the martyr. It’s your happiness that’s being sacrificed. You’re the one that’s been hurt and can’t heal. You’re the one that needs the pity.

Delicious, isn’t it?

But it feels so good….

Few things are as emotionally intoxicating as having the moral high ground. For as long as you feel hurt and wronged, you also feel yourself to be above reproach. Perhaps you also have external validation – sympathy, hugs, attention, a free pass to sit around in your PJs and eat ice cream.

Or perhaps it’s internal: the more pain you feel, the more real, intense or important the love was or the more profound the breakup. … And, of course, the more justification you have to avoid putting yourself in an emotionally vulnerable situation again, even if that means a life of loneliness and pain.

Any of this sound familiar?

In your heart of hearts, do you think you might have chosen not to heal because, in the short term, the payoff seems worth the pain? If so, I’d like you to try a little exercise.

exercise

Take a look at the cards above. Which statement in the black box is closest to how you feel right now?

Now look at the statements under the black box. Note any of these that you agree with that are interfering with your healing process, or that you know are side effects of failing to heal.

Finally, read the words above the box. These represent all the things that we miss out on by holding on tight to our suffering instead of moving on and getting better. Which of these are you lacking as a result of your pain / do you feel the lack of most sharply from your life?

Imagine five years were to go by. Or ten. Or the rest of your life. What would it mean to you to never experience these things again in all that time? How much duller would life be? How would it affect your happiness, your memories, your relationship with your kids, family members and friends? Is losing all that worth those perks below the line?

If not, it’s time to let go and start your healing process. Now. There’s no more time to waste.

Adele

 

Ready to start your healing journey? Want to finally put your ex behind you and move on to better, happier, more fulfilling relationships?

Book a complimentary clarity call with our Angels today.

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What Does Your Body Say About You?

This article was inspired by an article I recently read at MindBodyGreen.

I started thinking about all the things our bodies can say about us. While the article above primarily focuses on health issues that can be indicated by various physical signs, I started thinking about the things our bodies say about us; and more importantly, about how they show what makes us who we are — the good and the bad.

The first mark that comes to mind are the slight wrinkles many people have on their forehead or crow’s feet next to their eyes.

When I was younger — at some point during high school — I can distinctly remember someone saying that some particular facial expression would cause wrinkles.

I can’t remember if it was me making the face or a friend, but I remember sitting back and thinking, “They would be wrinkles caused by smiling… who would be ashamed of that?!” and vowing to never give a second thought to pulling a funny face to make someone laugh or laughing myself.

I hadn’t thought of this moment in many years until just recently. I stood in my bathroom, looking closely into the mirror, wondering where the years had gone, and noticed a few new lines on my face here and there. I flexed my face to see what caused them, and there it was — smiling.

Annoying to have the lines, of course, but how could I not wear them with pride?

Second to this, I think of all the little marks on my hands and legs, all those small scars you pick up over the years, doing this or that — an accident in art class, a fall during a sports practice.

While I can remember my mother, at the time, saying not to do this or that because it could leave a scar, I never minded much. (Perhaps seeing it more as my own version of a tattoo?) I look at each of those scars now and can remember the moment when each happened (usually easy to recall due to the pain at the time of the event).

They bring sweet memories of the team I was on at the time and often offer up fun stories for those who have met me since.

It’s for all these reasons, and so many more, that it’s crucial to love one’s whole self, inside and out.

Your body is your vessel, showing the dings and scrapes it’s acquired throughout the years as you journey through this awesome thing we call life.

Wear it with pride!

Adele
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Life’s Too Precious to Waste Wallowing in the Past

How many times this week have you mentally replayed a fight that you had with your ex?

I want you to answer honestly. Maybe not an actual fight – maybe you pictured what you would or should have said to them. Maybe you picture a confrontation you never had, or the killer blow you wish you’d delivered at the time.

Now how much of your life do you think you spend like this trawling through negative memories and reliving the things that make you feel angry and bitter? Dissecting, analysing, obsessing — does any of it make you feel happy or put you at peace? Of course not.

Resentment is destructive. Resentment is the thing that keeps us rooted in a broken, ugly past.

Start living today

Life is too short to start each day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Your breakup was miserable enough the first time, right? If you could somehow go back and spare yourself all of that pain, wouldn’t you? Then why do you inflict it on yourself time after time?

Why are you voluntarily repeating those experiences every day of your life? It doesn’t matter how many times you conduct that fight with the imagined version of your ex. The outcome will never be different.

It doesn’t matter how much time you devote to dwelling in the past, the present is still the present. And if you don’t stop wallowing and start living, you won’t just have lost out on yesterday – you’ll lose today, too.

Do you really want to give that to your ex? After all, as the saying goes, resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It’s time to stop drinking the poison. It’s time to stop letting resentment rule your life.

Time to let go

Easier said than done? Of course it is. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t practical things you can do. Here are 6 powerful steps to take today.

Declare an amnesty

Make the decision to stop waging a mental war with this person and with yourself. Recognise that enough is enough before you start to tackle your feelings.

Admit to yourself that you’re an addict

Resentment gives you a rush. That intoxicating sense of letting your rage run wild, if only in your head. The buzz of taking the moral high ground, feeling yourself wronged – and righteous. It’s chemical. It’s a hit. That’s why you keep coming back. And you need to stop before your addiction gets out of hand.

Accept that your resentment is futile

No matter what happens in the confines of your mind, it will not change the past. Neither will it influence other people, past or present. It can’t stop them rejecting you or force them to give you the things you crave. The only person it controls is you.

Get to the bottom of it

Time to get it all out. In one column, list all the reasons that you resent your ex. Every tiny thing they did, or that irritates you about them. Don’t censor yourself: it doesn’t matter how small or stupid or irrational, write it down.

In the next column, write down exactly why you resent this thing. How does it make you feel? Why does it upset you? Why does it make you feel threatened?

Is it possible you’re confusing the way this person makes you feel with how someone else made you feel in the past?

Finally, in the last column, be brutally honest. Did you tell them how this was affecting you? Did you stick up for yourself? Could you have managed the problem better? Is there any way in which you contributed to this problem? Were there ways in which you misread the slight or blew it out of proportion?

Forgive where you can

First, forgive yourselffor ways you may have let your past self down and ways in which you secretly believe you were weak. Next, forgive the object of your resentment for the things you can bear for things they might not really have done out of malice, or things they simply messed up on.

Forgive the things that upset you because they dragged up old feelings and insecurities, rather than because they were intrinsically cruel; forgive him or her for those things that, ultimately, no longer matter.

Make an action plan

Resentment doesn’t make you stronger, but decisiveness does. Plan what you are going to do to stop yourself from getting hurt like this again. How will you respond assertively to nip things in the bud? This is where you will really take control. It’s where you’ll really start healing.

Getting over resentment won’t happen overnight. It’s a process. But it’s a journey you need to begin, and soon, if you want to avoid your past swallowing up your future, too.

Adele

 

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How to Know if You’re Boring the Hell Out of Everyone You Know

Me, myself, and I

Is your Facebook feed a constant stream of fascinating “realisations” and affirmations about your feelings and place in the world? Is your free time dedicated to self-pampering and “time for yourself” because, hey, you’re worth it? When you pick up the phone to call your friends, is it to see how they’re doing – or is it really to talk about you?

Congratulations: you’re boring the hell out of everyone you know.

While repressing your emotions is damaging, the trouble with our culture is that it makes no distinction between being honest and open about your feelings and becoming unbearably self-obsessed.

You absolutely need to be able to accept the pain that you’re feeling; you shouldn’t ignore or deny your emotions — handle yourself gently when you’re suffering, but don’t make everything in the world about you and your suffering.

Because you know what makes life wonderful? Laughter. Lightness. Fun. And do you know what people who take themselves incredibly seriously don’t have very much of?

Yep, you guessed it: fun.

Again, this doesn’t mean that you have to go around faking happiness when you’re feeling fragile and desperately in need of support. But it does mean that, when things are bearable, you don’t have to put every feeling and emotion you have on a pedestal and worship the hell out of it — and you certainly can’t expect everyone else to do the same.

Why? Because feelings aren’t the sacred words of some internal oracle that need to be treated with reverence. They’re the product of chemical reactions in the brain – and while we can’t make them disappear, we do get to decide what to do with them.

Fix your focus

Like most things in life, it’s about getting the balance right. What’s more, your endless dissecting, discussing and obsessing over yourself and your feelings isn’t just driving everyone around you to despair — it’s making you miserable too.

Countless studies into human happiness have found that the most joyful countries are the ones in which people are the most generous towards one another – and in which they actively volunteer their time to address problems and do things for other people.

There are two important things to take from this. First, getting to the point where you stop seeing yourself as so all-important and significant – where you stop taking yourself so damn seriously all the time – will most likely make you, and people around you, happier.

Second, being proactive in addressing problems instead of just going on and on and on about them will help you to feel happier, freer and in control of your life – giving you far more energy to enjoy yourself.

So how does this work in practice?

Keep tabs on how often you say “I” or “me”.

If talking about yourself is dominating the conversation, you’re becoming self-indulgent and boring. Save it for your journal and start asking questions. Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, hit the nail on the head when he said:

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

Ask other people about themselves once in a while and you’ll find that your relationships magically improve.

Rein yourself in from too much navel gazing.

Taking action is almost always better than simply talking. Express what you feel and then move on. Life is supposed to be fun and full of laughter, so if you find yourself going over the same things again and again, stop and ask yourself why you’re letting it ruin your life, instead of going out and seizing the day instead.

Finally, make a point of having fun.

If you’re out of practice, you might now be thinking: oh God, I’m one of these over-serious, self-indulgent people – and now I’m doomed to a life without fun! Before you spiral back into self-absorbed misery over your boringness, pull yourself together and think of something fun to do today.

Now call a friend and ask them if they want to go and do it. And when you get there, don’t talk about things that are bringing you down. Problem solved. You are now having fun!

Adele

 

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What is the Naked Divorce program?

In this video I would like to explain you a little bit more about our program.

It’s a structured approach to healing from divorce, which helps you navigate through the divorce healing steps, find the source of your divorce and bring about lasting improvements to your emotional life.

Hope you enjoyed it! If you have any questions, please ask.

I am here to help you in every step of your healing journey.

Adele
Adele
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The Wonderful Benefits of Being Miserable

Don’t you find being miserable to be just great?

It’s an art form that’s well worth cultivating. It brings so many benefits to our lives, which is of course why so many people do their very best to excel at it.

Misery doesn’t bring you a better life in any of the shallow, flighty, surface ways people talk about like more friendship, love and lovers, or better relationships with your family, spouse or children. It doesn’t improve your career, financial situation, health, stability, fulfillment or joy of life.

It doesn’t make you happier – well of course it doesn’t; that would be defeating the point!

The many benefits of being miserable

But this fine craft does allow you to feel superior and special in a way other people just don’t understand, which is fantastic. You can become a martyr overnight with a bit of misery – the innocent victim who tries so, so hard to be happy (not too hard though, be careful) and then the world just seems to conspire against you. You poor thing.

In an age where we have relative peace and prosperity, and more opportunities than ever before, it can be quite hard to find ways to feel like the beaten-down underdog. Misery solves that problem in a jiffy!

You get sooo much attention

And this is the greatest benefit of all: being miserable gets you so much attention and compassion. Big-hearted and guilt-prone people especially will feel compelled to help you, to listen to you, to feel sorry for you. Here’s the best part: people feel vaguely guilty around you too.

You’re sure to always have company. Misery loves company, and you make people more and more miserable around you. Some will leave you, but never mind about them. They just don’t get it.

And there’s more!

You come across as so wise and worldly, because you notice all the crap in the world. You are the first to see what’s wrong with everything and every idea. And you stop people just when they were about to blindly run forwards happily into something fun, without paying due attention to what could go wrong.

You’re like a profound, tragic guru of worldly wisdom. How awesome is that!

And you never experience disappointment or disillusion, because you never expect or hope for anything in the first place. You never experience loss or deep pain because you get rid of meaningful love from your life in the first place.

“I get it! I’m sold! So how do I get good at being miserable!?” I hear you cry. Here are a few tips to set you on your way.

How to be miserable – your quick 10-step guide

1. Make good things small and temporary

If anything good happens and you accidentally notice it, make sure you see it as being temporary and as small as possible. Like a glitch in the system.

2. Make bad things huge and everlasting

When something bad happens, make sure you notice and express how terrible it was, and how it happened because it always happens, and the effects will last forever. Here’s a tip: the more you talk about it, the more a problem lasts and spreads.

3. See bad intentions behind everything

Turn innocent remarks into calculated insults from horrible people who intended to cause pain. See attempted attacks and offence behind everything.

4. Do everything for personal gain

Never just do something for someone else unless you can get something out of it. Make sure you point out how everyone else giving to others is doing it for themselves too.

5. Be terrified of economic loss

Talk about how close you are to being broke all the time. Worry consistently about losing your job. Watch the news and find all the evidence you can that you are on the brink of bankruptcy and destruction.

6. Cultivate a negative identity

If you have any personal problems, make them the only things that matter about you. Become a Depressed Person, an Anxious Person, etc. Oh, and of course make sure those problems last longer and get bigger.

7. Don’t feel or express gratitude

Gratitude has no place in the life of a true misery master. There’s nothing in this world to be grateful for – make that your mantra.

8. Blame your parents and background

Always remember, your life was set out before you even had a chance. Your parents messed you up, so that’s that. They are the cause of all your shortcomings and failures.

9. Don’t be shallow and enjoy the little things

Take no pleasure in the beautiful, lovely things in life. Good conversation, art, wine, music, beauty. Leave that to shallow, pathetic happy people who just don’t understand.

10. Focus on yourself and on the past

Ruminate and regret. Think and talk incessantly about every little problem you might have in your character, or something that happened to you. Don’t let anything go! All that mostly-imagined baggage is precious – and the key to a glorious life of absolute misery.

Here’s one extra bonus tip – always pretend you want to be happy.

Pretend to yourself too. If you start admitting that deep down you’re trying to be miserable – well, you might just start thinking how absurd it all is and become happy instead.

And that would ruin everything!

Adele
Adele
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